Chinese torture test

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees. One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to find a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 50 kg rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to RIGHT testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: LEFT testicle tied to bedpost".

Virgin Maria getting married to Tony

Maria just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous! Her mother reassured her, "Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he'll take care of you!"
So up the stairs she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother. "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs and Tony will take care of you!"

So, up she went again! When she got there, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama,mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

Her mother replied,"Don't worry Maria, all good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man, go upstairs and he will take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the sauce dear," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

Unique treatment for headache

A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he’s referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies, “I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...’’
He is interrupted by the doctor. “And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear?”

“Yes! Exactly! How did you know?”

“Well I am the world’s greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes”.

Two weeks go by and the man is back. “Well, how do you feel?” the doctor asked.

“Doc, I’m a new man! I feel great! I haven’t had a headache since I started this treatment! I can’t thank you enough. And by the way, you have a lovely home.”

Mommy's Balloons

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, “Mom, what are those things on your chest?”
Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten. Johnny didn’t forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, “Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she’ll float to heaven.”

Johnny thinks that’s neat and asks no more questions. A few weeks later, Johnny’s dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, “Daddy! Daddy! Mommy’s dying!”

His father says, “Calm down, son! Why do you think Mommy’s dying?”

“Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy’s balloons and she’s screaming, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!’”

The Great Donation

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Sex and Digging

Son (S) : Why is making love so enjoyable.
Father (F) : It is just like the sensation when you are digging your nose with your finger !!

S : Why do women enjoy sex more than man
F : It is because when you dig your nose, your nose feels more comfort than your finger.

S: Why do women hate it when they get raped .
F: It is like when you are walking on the street, someone else come over and dig your nose, do you like it ??

S: Why woman cannot have sex when they are having menstruation?
F: If your nose is bleeding, do you still dig it ??

S: Why man do not like to wear condoms when they are making love.
F: Do you like to dig your nose with a glove on your finger.

S: Why are making love carried out in private?
F: Will you dig you nose in front of your class? Stupid!

S: What is an orgasm ?
F:The same as sneezing, but the the other way round

S: Is it true that women love big dicks ?
F: Ever tried picking your nose with your thumb ?

S: What's anal sex?
F: Picking your mouth

ARE YOU DIGGING ENOUGH ?

Three teenage girls on date

These three teenage girls were roommates. One Friday night right after the semester started they all had all gone out on dates, and by chance all came home at about the same time.

The first one came in and said with a smug look on her face, "You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your hair all messed up."

The second one laughed at her and said, "No, no, that's nothing! You know you've been on a good date when you come home with your makeup all smeared."

The third one sat quiet with a blank stare on her face and didn't say a thing for a few minutes. Then she reached under her skirt, removed her panties and threw them against the wall, where they stuck with a loud thud!

She said, "Now THAT'S a good date!!"

Two guys at a strip joint

Two guys are in a strip joint, one is sitting in front of the other. A woman comes on stage and starts stripping. The guy in back, Paul, says, "Oh yeah, Oh yeah!"

Then the first guy turns around and says, " Hey Paul, shut up!"

Then two women come out and start stripping. Paul, once again, starts, "Yeah baby..mmmm....yeah!"

Once again the guy in front turns around and tells Paul to be quiet. So three women come out and start stripping. Paul is silent.

The guy in front says, "Hey Paul, where's all your excitement now?"

Paul says, "All over your back!"

Italian man making confession

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

Three guys in desert

There are these three guys in a desert dying of dehydration. Off in the horizon they see a house and finally manage to struggle to it. The first guy goes up to the door to ask for water. The door is opened by this really old, wart-covered, puss covered, scaly, toothless old woman.

"C-c-c-can I h-h-h-have some w-w-w-water for me and m-my friends?" he asks.

She replied, "I will... if you have sex with me."

The guy pukes all over the woman and runs back to his friends.

"You guys would not believe who answered the door. Some really gross old lady!" he tells them. "She said we could have water if I had sex with her."

"Why didn't you then?" asks he second guy.

"Because she was so ugly, I was sick and couldn't do it!"

"Oh, you are such a wuss. I'll go up to the door," the second guy says.

He goes up to the door and rings the bell. The old hag answers.

"W-w-w-w-w-w-waaaaaa......" He uses all of his will power to not hurl.

"Water? Yes, I have water," she says knowingly. "But you have to have sex with me."

"AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!"

He runs back to his friends and before he could say a word, the third guy goes to the door and rings the bell.

"What do you want for some water?"

"You have to have sex with me."

Knowing that if he doesn't do something, he and his friends will all die. So he follows the lady into her kitchen.

"Do me here," she told him.

He sees 3 ears of corn on the counter and gets an idea.

"Lay back and close your eyes. And keep them closed!"

The witch lays back and spreads her legs. The guy nearly pukes after seeing this. He picks up an ear of corn and screws her with it. Finally she is finished. He throws the corn out the window.

"Oh, God. That was the best orgasm of my life. If you do that again I will give you a million dollars."

"Then lay back and close your eyes again."

This she does and he does her with the second ear of corn until she is satisfied. Then he throws it out the window. This time she doesn't even open her eyes.

"If you do that again, I will give you a Jeep so you can get out of the desert."

"Eyes closed," he says.

Then he does her with the last piece of corn. He brings her to multiple orgasms.

"Ohhhhhhhhh........ The water, money and Jeep are outside," she says as she squirms in ecstasy.

So he runs like hell outside and grabs the water and money and jumps into the Jeep. He wonders where his friends are and drives around to find them. He finds them by the window.

One of the guys says to him, "Hey, man. I hope you had fun. We just ate the three best pieces of buttered corn you could have imagined!"

One word or two?

A wonderful double-meaning joke sent in by LS:

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry. Before the wedding, they had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.
"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.
The old guy paused... then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

The virgin and the farmer boy

One day, she went to his parents' house for dinner. When they got done eating dinner, they decided to go for a walk through the pasture. While they were walking, they came upon 2 horses that were mating. She looks at them with wonder because she has never seen anything like this before.

She asks the boy, "What are they doing?" He says: "They're making love."

"Well, what's that long thing he's sticking in there?" She asked. "Oh, uh, that's his rope," he answered.

"Well, what are those two round things on the other end?" she asked. He says, "Those are his knots." She says, "Oh, ok, I got it."

As they continue their stroll, they come to a barn and go in. She looks at him and says, "I want you to make love to me the way those animals were." Surprised and excited, the boy agrees.

While they are getting at it all hot and heavy, she grabs his balls and squeezes. "Whoa, what are you doing?!" he shouts.

The girl innocently replies, "I'm untying the knots so I'll get more rope!"

Insurance company slogan competition

Four insurance companies are in competition. One comes up with the slogan "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."

Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with "From the sperm to the worm."

The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with "From the erection to the resurrection."

How women get what they want

Women are under the illusion they don't have to ask men for anything - that if the man really loved her, he would automatically and instinctively know what she needed. Right! As if the dysfunctional drone even knew you were in the room, let alone knew what you were feeling. A woman has a better chance of finding a bathing suit off the rack that fits than finding a man who knows what she is going through.

Ironically, however, men like to feel needed - like they're her knight in shining armor. Unfortunately, most turn out to be needy, like her nightmare from The Shining. Therefore, it is important that a woman ask a man directly for what she wants, not indirectly. He is not a mind reader. He doesn't even read a map, how's he going to read a mind?

HOW TO ASK A MAN TO DO SOMETHING

Always remember these five important rules when asking a man to do something:

1. Make sure the man is conscious.

2. Crash the hard drive on his computer and line the bird cage with the sports section.

3. Be brief! Limit your nagging harangue to two, three hours, max.

4. Reward him for cooperative behavior. Offer to cook him something that doesn't have a peel-back cover.

5. Punish him when he refuses to cooperate. Microwave his remote on high power for 55 minutes. Rotate 1/4 turn, and microwave again for another 35 minutes.

6. Use "would you" or "will you" instead of "you'd better" or "do as I say and no one will get hurt".

The Right And Wrong Way to Ask A Man

How you ask a man to do something makes all the difference. Women think that a subtle nuance or slight turn of phrase will have no effect whatsoever on the resolve of their mucho-macho muscular moron. It does! Which is why you should always use "would you" and "will you" instead of "could you" and "can you".

For example:

Do say: would you please take out the garbage?
Do not say: could you get off your big butt and do something around here? What am I, the maid?

Do say: would you like to go out to a nice dinner Saturday night?
Do not say: could you please take me to any restaurant that doesn't have the words "burger", "king" or "happy meal" in their advertising??

Do say: would you mind watching the kids while I take a night off with my girlfriends?
Do not say: could you, just for one night, watch the kids you helped spawn-that I never get a break from-ever! I haven't seen my friends in so long we wear name tags to identify ourselves.

Do say: would you take me to a movie this week?
Do not say: could you prove to me you're not Velcroed to the couch and actually have the motor skills to take me to a motion picture? Something without Pamela Anderson in it.

Do say: would you like me to listen to you talk about your day some more?
Do not say: could you step up the filibuster, Sparky? Jeopardy is on in ten minutes.

Do say: would you consider getting a vasectomy?
Do not say: could you even imagine what it feels like taking birth control pills that make you feel like Attila the Hun one minute and Attila the Hun's evil twin the next minute? Do it or I'll do it FOR you!!

Do say: would you like to take a vacation?
Do not say: could you move out?

Do say: would you get out of my life?
Do not say: could you get out of my life?
Notice how different these two statements are. A man is much more likely to get out of your life if you say "would".

Horses Vs Husbands

1. Husbands are less expensive to shoe than horses.

2. Feeding a husband doesn’t require anything that even mildly compares with the hassle of putting up hay.

3. A lame husband can still work.

4. A husband with a bellyache doesn’t have to be walked.

5. Husbands don’t try to scratch their heads on your back.

6. They are better able to understand puns.

7. If they are playing hard to catch, you *may* be able to run them down on foot.

8. They know their name.

9. They usually pay their own bills.

10. They apologize when they step on your toes.

11. No saddle fitting problems.

12. They seldom refuse to get into the vehicle.

13. They don’t panic - running and yelling all through the house when you leave them alone (unless you’ve left the kids with them too!).

14. For a nominal fee, you can hire someone else to clip them.

15. They don’t like the lady next door just as well as you, just because she fed him for 3 days straight.

THE HORSE’S ADVANTAGE:

1. If they don’t work out you can sell them.

2. They don’t come complete with in-laws.

3. You don’t have to worry about your children looking like them.

4. You never have to iron their saddle pads.

5. If you get too fat for one, you can shop for a bigger one.

6. They smell good when they sweat.

7. You can repair their “clothes” with duct tape.

8. It’s possible to keep them from “jumping the fence”.

9. You can force them to stay in good physical condition with a whip if necessary.

10. They don’t want their turn at the computer.

11. They may turn white with age, but never go bald.

12. They have never heard of PMS.

13. They learn to accept restraint.

14. They don’t care what you look like as long as you have a carrot or an apple.

Use word "fascinate" in a sentence

A grade school teacher in Kentucky asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, "My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate, not fascinating".

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Well, that also was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word "fascinate."

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate", so she called on him.

Little Johnny said, "My Aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight."

Football Broadcasts That Sound Dirty

* The hole closed on him before he could penetrate it.

* He came at his blind side and got him from behind.

* He’s off to the sidelines for a quick blow!

* It’s a game of inches.

* That hole was so big, you could drive a truck through it.

* When you get down in this area, you gotta just start pounding it.

* He’s gonna feel that one tomorrow.

* He found his tight end.

* End around!

* He had to stretch to get it in!

* He gets penetration into the backfield!

* He blows them off (at the line)!

* He bangs it in!

* He could go all the way!

* He gets it off just in time!

* He goes deep!

* He found a hole and slid through it!

* He pounds it in!

* He beats them off (the line)

* He’s got great hands!

Cat Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!”

Cat Heaven

One day a cat dies of natural causes and goes to heaven. There he meets the Lord Himself. The Lord says to the cat, “You lived a good life and if there is any way I can make your stay in Heaven more comfortable, please let me know.”

The cat thinks for a moment and says, “Lord, all my life I have lived with a poor family and had to sleep on a hard wooden floor.”

The Lord stops the cat and says, “Say no more” and a wonderful fluffy pillow appears.

A few days later 6 mice are killed in a tragic farming accident and go to heaven. Again there is the Lord there to great them with the same offer. The mice answer, “All of our lives we have been chased. We have had to run from cats, dogs, and even women with brooms. We are tired of running. Do you think we could have roller skates so we don’t have to run anymore?”

The Lord says, “Say no more” and fits each mouse with a beautiful pair of roller skates.

About a week later the Lord stops by to see the cat and finds him snoozing on the pillow. The Lord gently wakes the cat and asks him, “How are things since you are here?”

The cat stretches and yawns and replies, “It is wonderful here. Better than I could have ever expected. And those Meals On Wheels you have been sending by are the best!!!”

Heaven & Hell

In Heaven:

* The French cook the food.
* The Swiss run the hotels.
* The Germans fix the cars.
* The Italians are the lovers.
* The English are the police.

In Hell:

* The English cook the food.
* The French run the hotels.
* The Italians fix the cars.
* The Swiss are the lovers.
* The Germans are the police.

Pickup Lines For Computer Geeks

- Nice Set of Floppies!

- Hey, how 'bout I take off your cover and insert a bigger CPU.

- I'd like to play on your laptop.

- Need me to unzip your files?

- If you were an ISP, I'd dial you all day long!

- I'd like to boot up your PC!

- I'll bet my hard drive is the biggest you've ever seen!

- I've got a 21 inch... (monitor)

- I'd get a T3 to watch your streaming video...

- Your homepage or mine?

Does The Sex Really Count?

Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on your spouse or significant other.

1. Oral sex does not count.

2. If you can’t remember the person’s name the following day it doesn’t count.

3. If you failed to call the person back to have more sex it doesn’t count.

4. If neither of you achieved orgasm it doesn’t count.

5. Sex with a friend, doesn’t count, it’s just another thing you share.

6. If the act was so lame, you leave thinking “did I shave my legs for this,” it doesn’t count.

7. An old flame doesn’t count.

8. An ex-spouse doesn’t count. Refer to this as a “pity f*ck.”

9. Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not sex.

10. Cybersex - no way! This is glorified masturbation.

11. Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex.

12. Kissing is not cheating.

13. An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex, but only if you do not know their significant other.

14. An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn’t count.

15. An act committed with a family member of your significant other, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “a skeleton in the family closet.”

16. Acts committed in a public place, doesn’t count (why should it, it was fun right?).

17. Phone sex, doesn’t count. Refer back to “glorified masturbation”.

18. In a car doesn’t count, way to cramped. If vehicle is in motion and has a console or stick shift, this counts, way too kinky and erotic not to count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1.

19. An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn’t count.

20. An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been exchanged (pull ‘n pray method of birth control) doesn’t count.

21. An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn’t count (not considered to be intimate).

22. An act in which “you do all the work”, doesn’t count.

23. An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn’t count. This should be referred to as “being neighborly.”

24. An act committed with an acquaintance because you are angry with your significant other doesn’t count.

25. An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn’t count. This should be considered a “fuck friend.”

26. Sex does count if a pregnancy results!

The Female Rules

1. The Female always makes THE RULES.

2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.

3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.

4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.

5. The Female is never wrong.

6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.

7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.

8. The Female can change her mind at any time.

9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.

10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.

11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.

12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.

13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.

14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.

15. If the Male doesn’t abide by THE RULES, it is because he can’t take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.

16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.

17. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.